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*Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter* ______________________________________ If you enjoy this free email service, I encourage you to spread the word to family and friends that we may bring inspiration into the lives of many! If you are not on the list and this has been passed along to you, join the thousands of HeartTouchers.com readers around the world by sending a blank e-mail to: HeartTouchers-subscribe@myinjesus.com Visit our inspirational web site and read all the past stories in our archives at: http://www.HeartTouchers.com/Archives Be sure to check out our brand new inspirational list just for teenagers! Heart4Teens.com To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to: Heart4Teens-subscribe@myinjesus.com or visit: http://www.Heart4Teens.com _________________________________________ Good morning HeartTouchers.com readers! I thought it was time to laugh again so I am sharing a story that should start your week off with a smile... especially if you have a teenage son or daughter. Bruce Cameron wrote this article in 1998 and it grew into a book and then a hit TV show by the same name which airs on ABC... From my family to yours, Michael _________________________________________ The 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter by W. Bruce Cameron, Copyright 1998 http://www.wbrucecameron.com When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? Bruce Cameron bruce@wbrucecameron.com Write Bruce and let him know your thoughts on his story! Despite his claims to the contrary, W. Bruce is neither a member of Mensa nor a Nobel Prize winner. In fact, he has never won any awards or special recognition of any kind, though he is pleased to announce that he was recently named a finalist in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. After 15 years working for a small company called General Motors,W. Bruce went on to found and destroy a number of small start-ups. If a pilot can be judged by the number of crashes he has survived, W. Bruce is an Ace. He is married with three children, all of whom are teenagers. He can't explain how any of this happened. Meanwhile, and through it all, he has been writing. In 1995 he started his on-line internet column, using "viral marketing," which is as unpleasant as it sounds. In April 1999 he became the humor columnist for the Denver Rocky Mountain News, and his first book was released in June 2001. To purchase his book or join his email list visit his web site at: http://www.wbrucecameron.com _________________________________________ Thought For The Day: "Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended on man." --Francis Spellman Verse for the Day: "...faith without works is dead." --James 2:26 Kid's Thought For The Day: "Seashells should always be found, not bought." Parent's Thought For The Day "I was doing the family grocery shopping accompanied by two children, an event I hope to see included in the Olympics in the near future." --Anna Quindlen Coach's Thought For The Day "There is no substitute for hard work and effor beyond the call of duty. That is what strengthens the soul and enobles one's character." --Walter Camp Writer's Thought For The Day: "There are days when the result is so bad that no fewer than five revisions are required. In contrast, when I'm greatly inspired, only four revisions are needed." --John Kenneth Galbraith Deep Thought For The Day: "I tried lifting weights, but they were too heavy." _________________________________________ REQUESTS: Dear Michael, I would like to ask you to pray for my mother who is being admitted into hospital today and operated on tomorrow (Wednesday) . May the Lord God hold her in his powerful hand and protect her during the surgery. Sincerely Bridgett Maart bmaart@uwc.ac.za Cape Town, South Africa _______________________________________ Have you been to the HeartTouchers.com website lately? If you like what you see and would like to have your own professional looking website, visit the link below. Bizstudio has been a wonderful service for HeartTouchers.com and with 385,000 visitors in the past three years, the website has been a tremendous tool in helping us to "Touch Lives, One Email at a Time." Although I had no prior experience building a website, I was able to create and build the HeartTouchers.com site easily utilizing Bizstudio's online editor. It includes an Online Site Editor, Unlimited Updates, Unlimited Pages, Professional Themes, Pre-Programmed Features, E-mail Accounts, and free Search Engine Submission. If I could do it with no prior experience you can too! Check it out at this link: http://www.bizstudio.com/main/home.htm?bpn=A16435 _________________________________________ MICHAEL T. POWERS www.HeartTouchers.com "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20 __________________________________________ Video Imagery --Michael's Video Production Business Dear Michael, I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for the beautiful video you made for me! It was so special to see both of my parents in tears as they watched their children grow up in pictures before their eyes! I loved the way you made Estania's part set aside from the rest--that was the part that really got them! The music was beautiful. My mom kept blubbering, "What song is that?" I don't know how you did such a beautiful job with the video in such a short time. I really appreciate your doing it so quickly. You have a wonderful gift, and I thank God that you are using it to create such sentimental memories. I hope that I can find my niche like that in an area that I love. Your video gave us one of our most lasting Christmas memories! I hope yours was filled with moments to be treasured forever! Love, Trisha Silverhill, AL Let me make you a video from your photos! Check out my video production business by visiting: http://www.hearttouchers.com/video_imagery ___________________________________________ Would you like to see your story in HeartTouchers.com? Writer's guidelines can be found on our Web site here: http://www.HeartTouchers.com/guidelines/ __________________________________________ Do you feel as if life has no meaning for you? http://www.greatcom.org/english/four.htm _________________________________________ The copyrights to the stories that appear in HeartTouchers.com are owned by the authors and are used with their permission. We refuse to run stories without the author's permission and contact info listed after the story. We also refuse to publish stories listed as "author unknown." (All of which violates Copyright Law and the rights of the authors.) This e-mail may be forwarded in its entirety, but please do not cut and paste the stories to be used elsewhere unless you have contacted and been given permission by the individual writer. Thank you so much for honoring the rights of those writers who graciously share their stories with us! ___________________________________________ Reading Books, Changing Lives! For those of you who would like to purchase the books from the HeartTouchers.com bookstore via your credit card, you can now do so! You can now order a number of different autographed best-selling inspirational books for the same price you would get them in the store, the shipping to you is paid for, and you are helping change the lives of teenagers and those they come in contact with! http://www.HeartTouchers.com/books |
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Touching Lives - One E-mail at a Time! Author Michael T. Powers - HeartTouchers @ aol.com
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